Hey boys and girls, are you tired of being the class nerd? Maybe you're just tired of having convenience store clerks confiscate your fake ID's every time you try to buy some alcohol. Ever wish that alcohol grew on trees? Would you like to be the most popular kid at the party? You know the one, he's the one that always seems to score the brew; and then scores with the hottest chicks.
Well now you can! By following my guaranteed process, I guarantee that you will be the most popular kid at any party.
"But Friend, how is this possible?"
Using techniques developed by ancient cultures more than 10,000 years ago, you can turn your room into a micro-brewery! And what's better, I'll give you excuses you can use on your parents that are guaranteed to keep them from meddling too deeply into your business.
The first step in this process is to start complaining, but not too loudly about an upcoming science project that you have to do for school. That will set up your parents not wanting to interfere with your education, nor wanting to be involved in something that might be over their heads, and guarantee that they will stay as far out of your way as possible.
Next we need to pick up some supplies for your "experiment" on the subject of: "The Life Cycle of Bread Yeast." So take your allowance and head to your local WalMart. You might want to make two trips so that people don't figure out what you are up to. I'll break the list up into the two trips that will guarantee to not draw attention to what you might be up to.
Trip 1
5 gallon plastic painters bucket and lid from the hardware section
10 pounds of sugar
a cork from the craft section
Trip 2
Shapeable tubing (like the copper tubing included in the ice maker repair kit in the hardware section)
Bread machine yeast
Once you have everything for your experiment in your room, you are now ready to follow the guaranteed methods that will lead you to being 'THE' man on campus.
Cut a hole in the lid of the bucket that is just smaller than the cork you bought. Now put a hole in the cork that is just smaller than the tubing you found. Fit one end of the tubing into the hole in the cork. Bend the tubing into a sideways "S" so that the tubing goes up, and then bends down, and then bends up again. These don't have to be big bends, and you by no means have to use all the tubing, just about 10 inches will do. Cut off the unused portion, and save it for making a new water pipe (not covered in this guide). Now insert your cork into the hole in the lid, and make sure it fits snugly and seals against leaks.
Now fill a glass with warm, not hot, water and add your Bread yeast. Leave this alone until after you complete the following steps.
Fill your bucket mostly up with warm water from the bathtub and bring it back to your room. If your parents ask any questions, just tell them you are watering the pot plants you are growing in your closet. Guaranteed that will make them worry more about the drugs they can't find than worrying about your "science experiment."
Once you have your water back in your room, start adding the sugar, and stirring it up real good to make sure it gets all mixed up.
Once you are done stirring, add your glass of Bread <________> [To avoid legal problems, I have left this important instruction incomplete. By leaving this instruction incomplete, people under 21 should not be able to make alcohol in their room.]
Now put the lid on your "science experiment." Fill up your tube with water. And set the entire thing somewhere it won't be disturbed for about a month. Throw some clothes on it, preferably used underwear and socks to prevent unwanted attention being drawn to it.
In the meantime, drink lots of two liter soda, so that you can have something to put the alcohol into when it's done.
In just 30 days, you will have enough alcohol to ensure that you are the life of any party, and that every girl at the party has their ability to reason diminished. When the 30 days has elapsed, pull the lid off your bucket and start filling your two liter bottles. To cover up the more than likely horrible flavor, we suggest that you mix your alcohol with soda, fruit juice, or other mixer of your choice.
Please remember that possession of alcohol by a minor is a jailable offense in nearly all communities within the United States. Also remember that drinking and driving WILL kill. If you drink, do so responsibly and remember to always use condoms.
(02/21/01 - 4:20pm)